Nervous breakdowns and such

I'm pretty sure I just about had a nervous breakdown today. Christians shouldn't have nervous breakdowns. It just shouldn't happen. Full stop. As believers, we should be able to trust that the God of the universe can and will take care of us. It's the way things should be. Are they always that way? No... but even as I was feeling helpless and on the verge of some intense waterworks, I thought to myself, "I should not be feeling this way. I should be releasing this to my Heavenly Father and allowing Him to fill my heart with peace". I knew it was against everything I believed in... I knew better.

But I was seriously *this* close to having a nervous breakdown. Or at least what I thought one would feel like. The biggest thing leading up to this "breakdown" was the fact that I had recently found out we had some serious vehicle problems that would be rather expensive to fix. It wasn't only that, though. I think the burden of finances, my job, our living situation, etc,  had been weighing pretty heavily on my heart for a while. But that vehicle... that did me in.

My husband, probably feeling a little defeated himself said, "I just wish we would fall into $50,000." I wondered why he stopped at something as preposterous as $50,000... I mean, why not a million? I responded with a sarcastic, "Well, THAT's not going to happen, so...". As the tears were welling up in my eyes on our drive home, some faint voice saying some foreign phrase broke my stubborn concentration on everything negative I could possibly think of. I think I heard it a couple times before it actually registered. "I am your Savior, Kyndra... not money".

It was simple, really. And it broke my heart. How could I forget, even for just a moment? Oh Father, forgive me. You alone are my good and perfect Provider. Not all the money in the world, not my job, not my wonderful husband (though You equip him to provide for me)... nothing will ever be quite enough, and You are always MORE than enough. My hope is in You, Lord. Help me remember that.

I thought about the love burning in your eyes.

I want to love people better.

I feel like I used to be really good at that. God and I were like *this*. It was as if His heart bled straight through me and I just knew how to love other people with His love. What changed? God hasn't changed, so it's gotta be me. I still love God the best way I know how (usually), but there's a glaring disconnect when I go to love other people. They irritate me, quite frankly. Not everyone and not all the time, but it's frequent enough for me to feel like a complete jerk. I've grown increasingly standoffish... I used to be shy, now I just flat out avoid people. How I got so old and jaded at the ripe age of 22, I've no clue.

My heart's cry is to love people with the same burning love coursing through the veins of my Heavenly Father. His love for people is passionate. Nonsensical. Unquenchable. He knows every ridiculous thing about us, yet He loves. All the time. 24/7. Even when we want to punch that guy in the face, but settle for some verbal abuse instead. Even when we spit on His creation, whether it be our next door neighbor or the one in the mirror. Even when we hate Him. His love is way too big for me to wrap my finite mind around. His mercy is... there's simply not a good enough word to describe it.

I want His love to burn in my heart and through my eyes. His compassion and mercy to be engraved on my tongue. I want to love them better because they bear the image of my God. The image might not be too clear now, but it's there and by loving them more, I see it a little clearer every day.

Lord, forgive me for not loving people the way you've commanded me to. Help me to shut up and listen. Really listen and understand Your heart and, in turn, theirs.

stop.

There are very few moments in my life right now when I choose to stop, breathe and actually think about where I am and what I'm doing. Well, I guess the breathing part is something I can't really choose... it just happens. Or does it? Isn't even breathing a choice? Sure, it's not a choice I typically think about making... but I guess when I hear all the stories about people choosing to end their life, whether or not I take another breath can be a choice. One I've never really thought about until now.

Thoughts. Emotion. Motion. We never stop. There's always some sort of hope alive in us, pushing... forcing us onward... toward some goal. Good or bad. Foolish or practical. I know I'm going somewhere... where, only God truly knows. And that fact bothers me. I can be honest, can't I? It bothers me that God knows where I'm going and I haven't a clue. It means I'm not really in control and that irritates me sometimes. Like now. I don't know why I'm irritated by that concept... I gave up control quite willingly a long time ago and it's a choice I make every day in my life. It's kind of like breathing, though... a choice you really have no choice but to make if you want to simply stay alive. And I want to live. But much of the time I want to live the way I want to live

Therein lies the problem, I suppose. It shouldn't bother me so much that God knows from beginning to end and I don't. It is not I who live, but Christ who lives in me. As robotic as it sounds, I exist for my Maker. Therefore, I don't really exist.

My, what a beautiful concept! One I vaguely remember as I thumb through the scripture lessons my mind and heart have taken in over the years. How I deeply, wholeheartedly want my choices to be His- in the big picture and the small, day-to-day living. Forgive me, Father... I forget just how big You really are. And tonight... right now, I choose to remember. Acknowledge. Worship. You are big, sovereign and breathtakingly beautiful.

I exist purely for Your glory and I'm okay with that. Please be gracious to show me when I'm not.

Like puzzle pieces from the clay

We've been married almost a year and it still feels so surreal to look at him from across our garage sale dining room table and think, "That man is my husband". I thought getting married would be one of the most natural transitions I'd ever make in my life. And some days it does feel totally natural and like I was intentionally created to be sleeping next to this man in our bed for as long as God gives me breath. Then there are other days when I'd read that last sentence and think it's the strangest combination of words to ever cross my mind. Being a married woman still feels so new to me. Sometimes I look at him and wonder how in the world God thought it only right to put us together. To ensure that our worlds would one day collide. That's sort of what marriage is... one giant collision that neither person saw coming. Yet it's good. It's somehow natural. It's right.

I love the man I'm married to with all my heart. He isn't the man of my dreams because, frankly, I don't think I was ever imaginitive enough to dream up the perfect mate. But he's everything God knows I need and exactly what I never knew I wanted. Maybe I'm overcomplicating things. It's actually pretty simple, I think. I've asked God for the perfect man for me for as long as I can remember... I waited terribly impatiently at times when my friends so effortlessly gave away their hearts to guys they'd never end up marrying. For some reason, I wanted what they had, not fully realizing how very blessed I was to be the odd one out. Now I'm married to this guy who is the complete opposite of me in most ways, yet loves me more passionately than I'll ever deserve. And somehow, God knew our differences would complete each other. Which is, if you ask me, really ridiculously cool!

A year. Such a small amount of time in the span of a lifetime. So seemingly insignificant in the broad stroke of eternity. Yet it's our one and only first year of marriage. It can never be repeated. How precious these moments are... even the moments when my mind can't wrap around the fact that I'm actually married to this man who still feels like a complete stranger at times. As our intimacy grows each day with all of life's challenges and precious moments, I can honestly say that I am more in love with him now than when he got on his knees and asked me to be his wife with tears streaming down his beautiful face. I never knew I could love him more than when I saw the joy and passion in his eyes as he vowed to love and cherish me for the rest of his life... but I do. With all my heart, I love the man right now cheering our puppy on because she went potty outside instead of on our carpet. He's a good man and I am blessed to call him my husband.

One year almost finished and many, many more to go. God is so good to us.

Learning to breathe

Two more days and I'll be grabbing all of my earthly belongings, sticking on my shades and flashing the peace sign to my little world for the past year.

I remember wondering at the beginning of the year if my stay at Bethany College of Missions would drag on far longer than I bargained for. At that time I was missing my family more than I could stand. Somewhere along the way, I got caught up in this little snowglobe of a world and now... now the glass walls are beginning to crack. What lies beyond this snowglobe, I'm not entirely sure. It seems like God shook my world a bit too much for me to see beyond the cloud of snowflakes. Maybe it's better that way... if I could see how everything will pan out after Bethany, I might not ever want to leave. As much as the unknown scares me, I'm excited to be a real Christian in the real world again... or perhaps for the first time.

Ah, but this year has been incredible. I can't even begin to explain or even comprehend all the miraculous things God has done in my heart. He met me right there... right where it hurt like hell... right where I could never trust anyone enough to enter. He broke me... but He didn't leave me that way. He built up and restored what had been lost or crushed.

I am new. I am beautiful. I am a precious child of the Most High... and I am in love.